The Best Damn Break Up letter from my Girlfriend...Ex..Remixed, corrected n Sent back through Express Mail..

The Best Damn Break Up letter from my Girlfriend...Ex..Remixed, corrected n Sent back through Express Mail..

Viewer Discretion is advised.

Dear Babe...(Wtf..am still your babe!!)...,I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right.(Are u kiddin me..am left handed u pussy) ...As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut...(Yeah but that muscle pumped son of bitch called Davey made it..!) I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.(What!!...no fucking way!) So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.( Someone call the cops or the morgue right now!!).. Check those that apply...
1.Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.(Oh yeah..like i gave my Grandpa that my name....Cunt!)
2. Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.(You should just yell Davey or Johnny like u always yelled...cunt!...now u think i baptised myself!...n fit of passion..how could u when it was that wide!!)
3. The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!(Wallet!..what wallet..it was either my ATM or the bank...n the Mpesa...my pants got tight when i only imagined you as a hooker by the way !)
4. Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload " indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.(Nice work there..u guessed right...no man risks going into a mine without protective gear...Personality..wat personality...ooh the devil in a sack personality..work on it.)
5. You failed the 20 Question Rule, i. e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.(Were we in a fucking class for fucks sake or was it an interrogation...besides..that MAN U game was more interesting..8-2..u remember!)
6. Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!(My hands..u blame my hands..the hands that gave u pleasure..the hands that worked for you..emailing was part of my job...or u thought i dug money in the backyard!...ungrateful bastard!)
7. Your legs are skinnier than mine..(What the fuck!!..Men,do u see wat am tryin to tell you here...bitches be crazy!)
8. You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at school.(Come on..shorter than my middle finger in the air...i wonder if they would be even 'my sons'...n oh yeah..i have a lil girl that i never mentioned to u...she is such a beautiful angel..)
9. You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.(What now..a minute ago i was short..u are even more confused than my grandmother...n is Davey short or are u bluffing ?)
10. You have a hairy back.(Am not a fucking baboon u asshole...go shave your pussy n leave my back alone!)
11. I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.(Who the fuck told u i was a mechanic..i only fix tires n the battery.......n bring my fucking car back you gold digger!)
12. The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.(Cut that religious crap n bring back my key...If it was condemned n labelled as a brothel i would have argued)
13. The phrase "My Mother " has popped up far too often in conversation.(Yeah my mother,she is an angel, as u refer to her was the best woman this world had ever given me...She never liked u anyway...n dont u dare bring that shit up again about my mother or i'll scoop that empty head!)
14. You still live with your parents.(So we were you...or 'my apartment was my parents place too..this aint a reason...cunt!)
15. Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.(You forgot the suits..why u concerned about them..did i ever complain about your Barbie dolls,teddy bears n dildos in the closet)
16. Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.(Hey u forgot your rantings about your worthless ex which fired up the topic about my ex galfriend...psychotic selfish bitch.)
17. Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.(N your ability to fart the consonants n vowels is not my type too.)
18. Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.(yeah i heard they are cloning humans...i'll apply for one n send u a 17 inch extra cloned asshole just for you.)
19. Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.(Oh sorry i forgot/refused to tell u about the hot massage chiq i banged....damn....she was amazing..a heaven sent angel!..n the five star room i booked,the champgane,jacuzzi...one of this days i shall send u the pictures...sorry again..)
20. I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.(You damn right i'll review my score sheet n see where u landed..probably at the bottom....n your league...hahaha...u are even not qualified to be in a league...a local match suites u...go get a better life n learn how to write letters for a living...3 down n many more to write to!)

Sincerely, Your Former Girlfriend....(Your Ex-monster Bitchenemy)

Am so glad u had to send this coz my writing skills n Humour were gettin a lil rusty...n allas!!..u just won yourself The Ex of the year awards...feel free to pick it up on your way to hell...or wherever you take your mighty ass to...
Signing off, Your Nightmare.

You sure do love crazy people or this is too good to ignore.

Lets just stare at what am writing or just scroll down n check see what other people have to say..but in the mean time...how is your life takin you...yeah i know or don't...so far..i really love it n i bet u might be sulking at lyf or jst being happy at how u have been dealin with it...literally am speaking to the fucked up ones...we are so many of us...illiterally am speaking for those who cant read...u can read right?...and hey,dont you dare confuse me with your fuckin psychiatrist or your brain....i dont do that shit....,i've been be too crazy for too long..infact i found my part of the sane brain floating around........and so i was talkin about how lyf treats u n how u take it...P/s..if u are bored now... u should be sleepin,ignoring this or reviewing other crap thats more better or try gettin drunk or gettin high for a change<-(that shit is a Holy Motherfucker)......
Now this is where we get to the advice part...Take it like you exist n everything else is just an idea in your head...life....yeah i might be drunk now bt beer helps with my thinkin system...u will have countless assholes judgin u,tellin wat to do n other assholic crap and few wise pple tellin u wat is good,the best parts of lyf n the 'they lived happily ever after' crap....take the good,leave the assholes to shitty things....the Crazy pple have Awesome advice too if u listen carefully...damn!...n always keep in mind u are not yet done till u get buried n your brain rots away n u find your way to heaven.....Fight your way thru..live your life...eat a lot..(i love eating!).. keep the fuck away from pessimists unless u are one of them...they are assholes..stay away from optimists too..they are dicks....n most of all..,do follow my way of thinkin n u will forever be fucked up....Now,u either be yourself or be yourself n have your own life...no!..u know wat..stop listenin to crazy people...n economy..thats a new term for life by the way and its a fuckin bitch,.partner...u either learn about it or complain lyk me all thru like me...aaaaaight!!!..You are one good soul if you can stand this crap n u shall b blessed....hehe!..be good..!
I was not under the influence of anything or over influenced if u thought about praying for me.....This is me..

TrainedHedonist.

January Blues...more like The Fucked up Monday like Month..

Dear anyone..
Ref: You got time to read..lets go..
This is the only month that you get to sit n think about that holiday...all the food that you ate...goat ribs,roasted meat,Chapo.....the family meetings...for the lucky..that chick you finally got..n for the chicks..that hunk dude who pampered u all through...,the unlucky ones who had the nightmare of Kisii-PE na bado Kisii-SE haijatokelezea....n yeah..we cant forget the dead..RiP brodas n sistas...The WEDDINGS!!..Yep..they were the best..yee unto u who didnt attend one.....The parties...damn..they were so many this time around....aha! of course...the thirst reliever,the ale of men,the sober man's disgust...drunklistically speaking am talking about Alcohol,beer,kill me quick or whatever suits u...Now that was a holiday well enjoyed...And now comes the shock.......the Money,the Money,money.....!!...January...children need school fees,u are going back to college...no shoes.....Loans...Christmas loans unpaid....The sun is hot as hell!!...Oh no!! Trouble is blooming n my ass is on fuckin fire!!...Hahaha! *sigh* January Blues..yeah,they are a fucker..like the first day of the week,Monday...January is a bitch..with this kind of economy..my accounts will soon be a dream..even Facebook account not left..am gonna close those fuckers down...This is not a blog...Its the Month...
With all my troubles,
January.

Guide for all drinkers this festive season from the TrainedGuzzler™.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward on the table.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home with bartender.
SYMPTON: Room is very dark..extremely dark.
FAULT: You drank some illegal stuff...the lights are on.
ACTION: Confirm with bartender if it was the normal stuff or you smoked cool stuff....If none of the above,you have blacked out.
SYMPTOM: Every chick looks extremely sexy n hot,Talking too much,laughing at anything.
FAULT: Alcohol level is 75%,Normal effect,don't panic.
ACTION: Get one of those chicks..regret when u wake up...If married GO HOME!!!

The Eighteen bottles that were to make me quit drinking...

The Eighteen Bottles
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else.... I said i would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which i drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which i drank.I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which he drank.I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which he drank.I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then i corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When i had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by i counted them again, and finally i had all the houses in one bottle, which i drank. I was not under the affluence of incohol as some thinklpe peep i was. I was not half as thunk as you might drink.I fool so feelish i don't know who is me, and the drunker i stand there, the longer i get.

Special High Intensity Teaching Memo compulsory for all Universities.

Special High Intensity Teaching Memo to all University students:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity From students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(S. H. I. T.). We are trying to give our students more S. H. I. T. than any other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S. H. I. T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S. H. I. T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle.
Students who don't know S. H. I. T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D. E. E. P. S. H. I. T.).
Those who fail to take D. E. E. P. S. H. I. T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E. A. T. S. H. I. T.).
Since our lecturers took S. H. I. T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S. H. I. T. anymore, as they are all full of S. H. I. T. already. If you are full of S. H. I. T., you may be interested in a job teaching others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B. U. L. L. S. H. I. T.).
For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M. O. R. E. S. H. I. T.).
This course emphasizes on how to manage M. O. R. E. S. H. I. T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H. O. T. S. H. I. T.). Thank you,BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(B. I. G. S. H. I. T.). Thank you.

Some facts about life.

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2.People who feel the need to tell u that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
3.The most valuable function performed by the government is entertainment.
4. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment..
5. A penny saved is worthless.
6. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East..Billions of years from now,when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies..am talkin to Somalia too..
7. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip..you wanna argue,go on..
8. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers..at least i own a bicycle.
9. There comes a time when u should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 12...after that just grow old n die.
10. There is a very fine line between "hobby " and "mental illness."..mine has a rough line.
11. People who want to share their religious views with u almost never want u to share yours with them.
12. Nobody is normal..WtF did u think u were...
13. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:* The universe is even bigger than they thought!* There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!* Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
14. If u had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people. who are not in them.
16. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:*If Any Brewer runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date,they know this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer taste..after all,they all make u drunk,feel awesome n act stupid.
17. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on TV with a bad hairstyle or accent..
18. You should not confuse your career with your life..NEVER.
19. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
20. No matter what happens,somebody will find a way to take it too seriously..someone is already is..
21. When trouble arises n things luk bad,really bad,there is always one individual who perceives a solution to n is willing to take a command.Very often,that individual is crazy.
22. Your friends love u anyway
23. Nobody cares if u cant dance. Just get up n dance.
24. There will never lack complainers..hey,didn't u notice i was complaining!
25.Liar..we are liars.