The Best Damn Break Up letter from my Girlfriend...Ex..Remixed, corrected n Sent back through Express Mail..

The Best Damn Break Up letter from my Girlfriend...Ex..Remixed, corrected n Sent back through Express Mail..

Viewer Discretion is advised.

Dear Babe...(Wtf..am still your babe!!)...,I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right.(Are u kiddin me..am left handed u pussy) ...As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut...(Yeah but that muscle pumped son of bitch called Davey made it..!) I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.(What!!...no fucking way!) So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.( Someone call the cops or the morgue right now!!).. Check those that apply...
1.Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.(Oh yeah..like i gave my Grandpa that my name....Cunt!)
2. Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.(You should just yell Davey or Johnny like u always yelled...cunt!...now u think i baptised myself!...n fit of passion..how could u when it was that wide!!)
3. The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!(Wallet!..what wallet..it was either my ATM or the bank...n the Mpesa...my pants got tight when i only imagined you as a hooker by the way !)
4. Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload " indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.(Nice work there..u guessed right...no man risks going into a mine without protective gear...Personality..wat personality...ooh the devil in a sack personality..work on it.)
5. You failed the 20 Question Rule, i. e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.(Were we in a fucking class for fucks sake or was it an interrogation...besides..that MAN U game was more interesting..8-2..u remember!)
6. Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!(My hands..u blame my hands..the hands that gave u pleasure..the hands that worked for you..emailing was part of my job...or u thought i dug money in the backyard!...ungrateful bastard!)
7. Your legs are skinnier than mine..(What the fuck!!..Men,do u see wat am tryin to tell you here...bitches be crazy!)
8. You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at school.(Come on..shorter than my middle finger in the air...i wonder if they would be even 'my sons'...n oh yeah..i have a lil girl that i never mentioned to u...she is such a beautiful angel..)
9. You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.(What now..a minute ago i was short..u are even more confused than my grandmother...n is Davey short or are u bluffing ?)
10. You have a hairy back.(Am not a fucking baboon u asshole...go shave your pussy n leave my back alone!)
11. I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.(Who the fuck told u i was a mechanic..i only fix tires n the battery.......n bring my fucking car back you gold digger!)
12. The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.(Cut that religious crap n bring back my key...If it was condemned n labelled as a brothel i would have argued)
13. The phrase "My Mother " has popped up far too often in conversation.(Yeah my mother,she is an angel, as u refer to her was the best woman this world had ever given me...She never liked u anyway...n dont u dare bring that shit up again about my mother or i'll scoop that empty head!)
14. You still live with your parents.(So we were you...or 'my apartment was my parents place too..this aint a reason...cunt!)
15. Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.(You forgot the suits..why u concerned about them..did i ever complain about your Barbie dolls,teddy bears n dildos in the closet)
16. Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.(Hey u forgot your rantings about your worthless ex which fired up the topic about my ex galfriend...psychotic selfish bitch.)
17. Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.(N your ability to fart the consonants n vowels is not my type too.)
18. Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.(yeah i heard they are cloning humans...i'll apply for one n send u a 17 inch extra cloned asshole just for you.)
19. Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.(Oh sorry i forgot/refused to tell u about the hot massage chiq i banged....damn....she was amazing..a heaven sent angel!..n the five star room i booked,the champgane,jacuzzi...one of this days i shall send u the pictures...sorry again..)
20. I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.(You damn right i'll review my score sheet n see where u landed..probably at the bottom....n your league...hahaha...u are even not qualified to be in a league...a local match suites u...go get a better life n learn how to write letters for a living...3 down n many more to write to!)

Sincerely, Your Former Girlfriend....(Your Ex-monster Bitchenemy)

Am so glad u had to send this coz my writing skills n Humour were gettin a lil rusty...n allas!!..u just won yourself The Ex of the year awards...feel free to pick it up on your way to hell...or wherever you take your mighty ass to...
Signing off, Your Nightmare.