SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward on the table.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home with bartender.
SYMPTON: Room is very dark..extremely dark.
FAULT: You drank some illegal stuff...the lights are on.
ACTION: Confirm with bartender if it was the normal stuff or you smoked cool stuff....If none of the above,you have blacked out.
SYMPTOM: Every chick looks extremely sexy n hot,Talking too much,laughing at anything.
FAULT: Alcohol level is 75%,Normal effect,don't panic.
ACTION: Get one of those chicks..regret when u wake up...If married GO HOME!!!
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
The Eighteen bottles that were to make me quit drinking...
The Eighteen Bottles
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else.... I said i would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which i drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which i drank.I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which he drank.I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which he drank.I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then i corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When i had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by i counted them again, and finally i had all the houses in one bottle, which i drank. I was not under the affluence of incohol as some thinklpe peep i was. I was not half as thunk as you might drink.I fool so feelish i don't know who is me, and the drunker i stand there, the longer i get.
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else.... I said i would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which i drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which i drank.I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which he drank.I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which he drank.I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then i corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When i had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by i counted them again, and finally i had all the houses in one bottle, which i drank. I was not under the affluence of incohol as some thinklpe peep i was. I was not half as thunk as you might drink.I fool so feelish i don't know who is me, and the drunker i stand there, the longer i get.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Special High Intensity Teaching Memo compulsory for all Universities.
Special High Intensity Teaching Memo to all University students:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity From students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(S. H. I. T.). We are trying to give our students more S. H. I. T. than any other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S. H. I. T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S. H. I. T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle.
Students who don't know S. H. I. T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D. E. E. P. S. H. I. T.).
Those who fail to take D. E. E. P. S. H. I. T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E. A. T. S. H. I. T.).
Since our lecturers took S. H. I. T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S. H. I. T. anymore, as they are all full of S. H. I. T. already. If you are full of S. H. I. T., you may be interested in a job teaching others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B. U. L. L. S. H. I. T.).
For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M. O. R. E. S. H. I. T.).
This course emphasizes on how to manage M. O. R. E. S. H. I. T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H. O. T. S. H. I. T.). Thank you,BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(B. I. G. S. H. I. T.). Thank you.
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity From students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(S. H. I. T.). We are trying to give our students more S. H. I. T. than any other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S. H. I. T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S. H. I. T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle.
Students who don't know S. H. I. T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D. E. E. P. S. H. I. T.).
Those who fail to take D. E. E. P. S. H. I. T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E. A. T. S. H. I. T.).
Since our lecturers took S. H. I. T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S. H. I. T. anymore, as they are all full of S. H. I. T. already. If you are full of S. H. I. T., you may be interested in a job teaching others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B. U. L. L. S. H. I. T.).
For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M. O. R. E. S. H. I. T.).
This course emphasizes on how to manage M. O. R. E. S. H. I. T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H. O. T. S. H. I. T.). Thank you,BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(B. I. G. S. H. I. T.). Thank you.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Some facts about life.
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2.People who feel the need to tell u that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
3.The most valuable function performed by the government is entertainment.
4. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment..
5. A penny saved is worthless.
6. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East..Billions of years from now,when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies..am talkin to Somalia too..
7. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip..you wanna argue,go on..
8. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers..at least i own a bicycle.
9. There comes a time when u should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 12...after that just grow old n die.
10. There is a very fine line between "hobby " and "mental illness."..mine has a rough line.
11. People who want to share their religious views with u almost never want u to share yours with them.
12. Nobody is normal..WtF did u think u were...
13. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:* The universe is even bigger than they thought!* There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!* Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
14. If u had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people. who are not in them.
16. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:*If Any Brewer runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date,they know this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer taste..after all,they all make u drunk,feel awesome n act stupid.
17. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on TV with a bad hairstyle or accent..
18. You should not confuse your career with your life..NEVER.
19. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
20. No matter what happens,somebody will find a way to take it too seriously..someone is already is..
21. When trouble arises n things luk bad,really bad,there is always one individual who perceives a solution to n is willing to take a command.Very often,that individual is crazy.
22. Your friends love u anyway
23. Nobody cares if u cant dance. Just get up n dance.
24. There will never lack complainers..hey,didn't u notice i was complaining!
25.Liar..we are liars.
2.People who feel the need to tell u that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
3.The most valuable function performed by the government is entertainment.
4. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment..
5. A penny saved is worthless.
6. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East..Billions of years from now,when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies..am talkin to Somalia too..
7. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip..you wanna argue,go on..
8. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers..at least i own a bicycle.
9. There comes a time when u should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 12...after that just grow old n die.
10. There is a very fine line between "hobby " and "mental illness."..mine has a rough line.
11. People who want to share their religious views with u almost never want u to share yours with them.
12. Nobody is normal..WtF did u think u were...
13. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:* The universe is even bigger than they thought!* There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!* Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
14. If u had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people. who are not in them.
16. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:*If Any Brewer runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date,they know this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer taste..after all,they all make u drunk,feel awesome n act stupid.
17. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on TV with a bad hairstyle or accent..
18. You should not confuse your career with your life..NEVER.
19. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
20. No matter what happens,somebody will find a way to take it too seriously..someone is already is..
21. When trouble arises n things luk bad,really bad,there is always one individual who perceives a solution to n is willing to take a command.Very often,that individual is crazy.
22. Your friends love u anyway
23. Nobody cares if u cant dance. Just get up n dance.
24. There will never lack complainers..hey,didn't u notice i was complaining!
25.Liar..we are liars.
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